After finally heading home to his hotel, Adam could only sit back on the couch with an exhausted expression plastered on his face from the sudden change of events that happened today, placing his head over the headrest, never expecting his day would be reminded of fighting against the challenges in his life altogether, enduring through perilous situations he would rather not have to experience again.
It's every day he has to experience terrible things happening to him in his life. Adam wonders how many days he could endure through these ordeals altogether. "At least," sighing with a gloomy tone, the young man couldn't help but at least try to think positively for once, having a hard time doing so from the struggles he endured through his event.
"I'm alive," so his daughter and the adopted pooch; that is the best part he could think of for now, smiling weakly at having them currently being left in place safe from harm, believing if they keep staying with him, bad things are bound to happen, and so they did, recalling himself being targeted by Lilith from time to time.
"Why can't that vile woman leave me alone?" He complained with a depressed tone, not understanding why she is so obsessively fixated on him, having no idea if it was because of her purpose to torment and destroy his life. No matter how many times he escaped from her clutches, the succubus would always find him no matter what. "Is it because of Lilim?" Adam wonders, believing it a likely possibility that the reason is all because of his daughter, whom he unwillingly had with her.
Not only is he suffering from the past and guilt for committing many bad acts for the sake of his own benefit, but the tiring burden of his parental abuser continues to torment him forever, leaving him no time to recover or at least try to move forward, possibly one of the main reasons the succubus would follow him, "because of her," frowning at his daughter's existence.
Or simply because she doesn't want him to live a normal, happy life, free from the chains that bind him, Lilim asks, "Does she truly love me?" Adam questions himself, finding the thought of the succubus possibly feeling genuine love for him nonexistent, believing it's more of obsession and control instead of the former, saying, "Of course she doesn't." Someone like that demon has no concept of love whatsoever, using him as a plaything and nothing more.
"Fuck," straightening his body, he pulled back his head and faced the empty screen of his television; "fuck," repeating in utter frustration of himself of being toyed around and manipulated by this demon, expressing how hopeless and weak he is in this situation despite all his bravo of continuing to move forward.
"I can't live like this," he said, covering his mouth with one hand. "How could anyone live like this?" Genuine statement: he has gotten used to endure constant suffering and misery, but there is a limit to how long a man could tolerate the misery. Being beyond his limit to keep enduring this level of pain is unlike the trauma and guilt that heavily impacted his life. "Why can't she leave me alone?"
An answer he won't get from simply repeating this to himself, nightmares after nightmares, horrors after horrors: is this really the life he wanted, never wanting to continue enduring this? Adam asks in despair, having a strong desire to break free from Lilith's control of his life, "But how?" The problem is that he has no solution, no answer to escaping from her altogether. "How?" Continuing to repeat this to himself
There is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Adam wants to disappear, simply wanting to vanish altogether, no longer wanting to continue to endure this level of misery, no longer wanting to continue living in this world; perhaps it is better this way, "maybe," considering the idea. However, he simply can't, not because he doesn't want to, but simply because there are still people who care about him.
Crying with tears dripping down from his face, he lowered his head to the floor with hands covering over his face in shame: "I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, "I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't—"
"Dammit!" Slapping his own face, he straightened his body again and faced his television again, "This is..." expressing with a frustrated tone of voice, hating how hard everything is before laughing off the misery altogether, "Hahaha, I'm pathetic," admitting the fact of himself, truly believing it was nothing wrong to admit it.
Perhaps he should sleep right, to temporarily escape this cruel reality of his, where the sweet darkness would embrace him in peaceful rest, bringing him to a place where there is nothing to worry about or think about; all silent, calm, and dark, "perhaps," considering the idea. Although Adam knows it's only temporary, he will wake up, facing the cruel reality all over again.
Is this how people really die? Losing consciousness, never to see the light of day again?
It's rather comforting to say the least, the feeling of experiencing such euphoria or lack thereof; therefore, it's a wonder why many people commit suicide, being the only safe place to escape from the cruel world that threw against them.
He can't blame them; being a former psychologist, he understands why some of his suicidal patients commit such dark acts, wanting to escape this miserable reality altogether. Adam admits that he too is suicidal, wanting to jump off the bridge or use a gun to kill himself, giving him the sweet release of death.
But the only thing stopping him is his loved ones and his own body—the parasympathetic nervous system that forces one to survive no matter how hard they want to die. Being one of the three divisions of the autonomous nervous system, the parasympathetic or vegetative is responsible for preserving homeostasis or balance throughout the body, including maintaining digestive functions, resting, and sleeping.
Understand that it is their bodies instinctual action of wanting to survive, not wanting to die at all, and because of this, fear and hesitation would plague their minds when committing this deed, enabling them to have the will to want to live another day despite having a strong desire to die. It's a cruel cycle indeed, wanting to die but not being able to, and wanting to live but having a strong desire to die.
Standing up and wiping away his tears, he sighed once more of the troubling thoughts plaguing his mind, "such is life." Speaking in a deep breath, Adam walked out of the living room and into the balcony, watching the late hours of this city with a cold breeze brushing against his skin. Staring at the bright lights illuminating across the dark roads from below and hearing the distant sounds of vehicles and people talking, it's rather beautiful, if not overwhelming, for him.
Looking up at the beautiful starry sky, he forced himself a smile of appreciation, saying, "At least it's beautiful." Admiring the sight, seeing the stars twinkling in his vision, it was rather calming and comforting to say the least, giving him the strength to want to live another day. Appreciating the view, he truly found peace and serenity from it.
"Guess it's time to have a smoke," he said with a calm voice, pulling out the pack and grabbing one cigar before placing it between his lips. I can't have a smoke without a lighter." Pulling out the lighter from his pocket, Adam turned on the device and lit up the cigar before turning it off and placing it back in one of his pockets.
Inhaling the toxic smoke, he blew out a thick amount of air before exhaling with a relaxed expression, enjoying the sweet taste of his cigar, "that hit the spot, and expressing it with a calm tone of voice. He was already starting to feel the euphoria coursing through his veins and the warmth embracing his body from the nicotine spreading around in his body.
He already knew, as mentioned many times before, that overuse of smoking can lead to lung cancer and other problems, but he doesn't care about them anymore. This is his way to temporarily ease the struggles of his life and have a moment of enjoying the toxic smoke from this, seeing it as a necessary and good addiction for him.
It's a good thing his dog, Lilim, isn't here to see this; it's a perfect opportunity to have alone time. not worrying about his loved ones intervening in his unhealthy habit of smoking, even though he appreciates their concern for his health. It's just that sometimes he needs some alone time away from them, even Pumpkin; having a cigarette is his way to temporarily escape the struggles of his life, even for a bit. "Such is life," he expresses with a calm sigh, blowing out more toxic smoke from his mouth once again.
Again and again, he continued smoking, enjoying the toxic substance spreading around his body and the taste of it, seeing it as more addicting and relaxing than drinking alcohol. It was his way to temporarily find the will to want to live another day and appreciate the natural beauty this night has to offer.
Adam could imagine his dead wife yelling over him from behind, laughing at this hilarious moment in the past when she caught him trying to take a blunt, resulting in him being punished for this misdeed by throwing all his cigarettes away, forcing him to endure his addiction by going away bit by bit.
It was hard at first, but with the reminder of his wife's scolding, he was able to endure this need to continue his lust for smoking just for her sake, and thankfully, his dead wife gave him the reward of playing snowball fight with their daughter, making the struggle even more worth it. However, those days are long gone, and now he is a different person than before.
No longer guided by the very person he loves, Adam can only contemplate the failure of never living up to one of his wife's expectations of being a better man for himself and the child they have raised together. Although he did improve himself in managing his addiction, he still continued smoking because it was the only way for him to forget the struggles of his life for a bit, as mentioned before.
And because of this, he feels guilty about not being able to control himself. But the important thing of all in this is that he and their child are alive, a comforting thought to ease every problem he has, and that his wife is still here with him no matter the struggles they have. If he remembers it correctly, he can try to also think of Eve rather than Lilith.
Yes, that would likely help. If the demon taunted him to forever remember their terrible time with each other, then he should also recall the good times his wife and himself have spend during the wonderful moments in being lovers; treasure he will never let go. Deeply wished his child is here, wanting to reminisce the past with his daughter than having alone time by himself.
She's never gone as he looks to the stars; the physical body can disappear, but the memories of their lasting time on earth are forever present in his mind and heart. Where the good moments of spending time with Eve are still here, including his child, he wants them to be here with him rather than Lilith, the very demon torturing his broken soul.
As Adam continued smoking, a mirthful smile appeared on his face. He felt hope in recalling the humanity he once had forgotten within him. The good parts of his past with Eve and their child are what keep him alive, rather than simply giving into the monstrous temptations of giving up everything for the sake of being comforted.
