Entering back in the bedroom, he was greeted by the sudden embrace of his daughter; sobbing and hugging him for dear life for being back at last. Adam didn't expect this reaction from her, but he smiled nonetheless from her kind gesture, "hey, I'm here," he said in fatherly voice, giving her a warm hug in return.
Lilim quickly pull away and look at her father with tearful eyes, "gaahh," she couldn't stop herself from crying and blabbering in happiness and relief to see him in one piece. Adam was taken aback from this but didn't mind from what he is experiencing, "hey," he wiped off her tears with his finger," it's alright," placing his hand on her shoulder to calm her down a bit, "I'm here now, okay?" saying it again with warm smile on his face.
Nodding tearfully, she felt so relieved to see her father again and knowing that he is safe and sound after a while of being away from him. Its if Adam was in danger or something, causing to worry even more that she might lose him or worse, he might not come back again to take care of her well being.
"Come on," walking pass her side as he sat on her bed, gesturing Lilim to take good night rest, "its time for your rest," his daughter was hesitant at first but seeing the father of hers, she didn't want to upset him anymore than she already did. Nodding in compliance, she slowly get back to her bed and rest herself against the soft mattress and sleeping pillow.
Placing the warm blanket over her, his hand slowly stroked her head with comfort and reassurance to her, "get some sleep kid," Adam said with gentleness in his voice as he keep on stroking her hair, Lilim is just looking up at him with sad expression, making Adam to feel guilty and troubled on what she is going through.
He doesn't wish to bring anymore sadness to her but he knew that this is something she needs to face upfront; yet, Adam couldn't imagine how both of their lives could have stable and secure again if he was not here to help her through the turbulent times. Its an understatement to say that he feels useless from not doing anything further.
Not only his dear companions and wife were brutally killed, his sweet child turned into something that she is now, only knowing few basic gestures and possible words that make her act like what she is now, baby. Adam wished for a better life for her and he wished whatever his abuser done to her should be him.
It is he should be tortured and turned into what she is, he can't help thinking of seeing his only child to suffer a terrible fate that should be his instead. Thinking about it makes him even more guilty to do so, Adam should have left his previous family to prevent them from being murdered by that lunatic.
Just by reminiscing the memories from past long forgotten; tears slowly seeped down his face, as Adam look down at his child, seeing how much of broken she has become. From so many years of fixing her from starting new life with family, everything came crushing down when his adopted mother came back.
Adam never understands why she can't leave him alone, no matter how much he desired to have happy and ordinary life; that vile woman come back and destroyed it in front of his very eyes. He had fought so hard to keep moving forward and try surviving in this cruel world, but now, he is tired of fighting; he just want to live in peace with his family without worry.
Lilim saw this and without a word, she reach out to his hand, caressing his face, taking away all the tears that was there, his sadness replaced with tired smile before taking her hand and placing it down, holding the hand firm; "sorry for worrying you," his tone is quiet and hurt, "go to sleep now, please..."
Despite not truly understanding what he is saying, she is capable of comprehending people's gestures and facial expressions; instinctively knowing what they mean from their body language, Lilim couldn't help but to obey her father's words, slowly drifting herself to sleep from his warm touch and comforting voice. Adam in turn, sigh in relief as her grasp slowly lessen.
Standing up and directly looking down at his daughter with exhausted look; he begin to have seconds thoughts of whether he should end it all, to remove the pain his feeling and not having to worry about anything in particular, just the comforting darkness of nothingness, taking away all the bad things that happened to him.
It wouldn't be so bad, dying is like sleeping after all; not so different from what everyone does. All he needs to do is to lay down, close his eyes, and sleep; perhaps, he wouldn't wake up anymore but its fine with him, he had already went through worse and if it is his time to go, then it will be best for him to finally have some form of comfort.
But that isn't the case for him. Every waking moment he decides to sleep, nightmares haunts him constantly and each other takes him back to the dreadful past, where he witness how his family was brutally murdered and blaming everything at him. The sight of it is so vivid to him, that he still remembered everything about it, including the feeling of terror, hopelessness and sadness, as well as the disgust and hatred he felt from seeing them again.
He can't believe that his still able to live on and try to find sense into this world, filled with madness and cruelty; just to survive to see another day. He knew that he had many times to give up on life but the question is, was it even worth living in this world, filled with dangers and despair? Wouldn't it better if he had simply died with his abusive father?
No, Adam doesn't think so. He can't kill himself to escape the pain, his child is right there with brand new purpose given to him; surviving and finding a way to restore her mind if possible. These are the reasons why his still moving forward and have hope in this desolate planet. If he give up now, then he would be a hypocrite for everything he stand for.
"I won't lose you..." Whispering those words and looking down at his child once more, seeing her innocent expression as she rest in peace; "not while I still live," turning off the lights, he make his way to the door, knowing that he can't afford to sleep right now, due to the incident and how he left his daughter with worries in her mind.
Exiting the room and sighing tiredly, his first thought was to find a cigar; while he had promised before to stop smoking, Adam didn't feel like keeping his promise in time like this. If his wife Eve was still here, she would be pissed to see him smoking and scold him from returning to his addiction, causing him to chuckle from the thought.
"That woman," smile curved his lips, looking down at his feet with his eyes closed, "she have been a great mother for our little girl," sad laughter echoed throughout the dark hallway as he looked up once more; "she was always been proud of her," truthful words came out of his mouth, "I...I just wished it didn't end this way," the voice was filled with sorrow and pain.
They didn't deserve to die like that, and especially at the hands of his mother, their lives have been taken away from him and the only person in this world that still give meaning to his life is his only daughter. Without her, Adam knew that he would be drowning in despair and make himself to disappear from this world. That is how much she mean to him, he never wanted to lose her as well.
"I fucking hate this," leaning back on the door with his hand gripping on his depressed expression, "its always this and that, doing things I shouldn't do and now look where we are," holding his face in agony as the thought of death started to overwhelm him, "its not fair," his mind is filled with nothing but rage and anger.
For years, he had to deal with all the pain and suffering from the countless horrors that he had to witness. Wherever he went, all he could think about is running away, putting distance from them and live a better life. Only to be killed by another one of these monstrosities, so many times that Adam started to believe that it was meant to be.
As his body slowly slide down to the ground, Adam believe his life is cursed and never really have a right to live, he should just die like a good man and move on from this world, because everything around him, he can't stand it anymore. But he could not do it despite how much he wants to. He had reason to life after all.
Its like both sides of him battling each other, the other wanting to die and the other doesn't want to, this is just so ridiculous and stupid, but nevertheless, Adam couldn't do anything about it. At this point, he just want to end it all, he just want to escape from all this nonsense and let the universe took him away.
If he does that then no one will take care of her and his wife or himself wouldn't want. An selfish act that he could do, it will just ruin everything that he worked hard for, which is why Adam didn't do it in the first place. Even if he did, who will take care of Lilim? That would be the frighteningly part of all.
Adam doesn't want to imagine another parent like his abusive father or adopted mother to break her mentally, emotionally and physically. The only good person that cares for him was his wife and himself. Having been that way ever since, they had taken care of her, then their beloved daughter morphed into sane person, both him and his wife were willing to do anything for their child.
"Does it hurt?"
The mysterious and ominous voice of three people speaking in one entered his mind, coming across as a mix of a deep, calm male voice, woman voice and boy voice. All speaking in one as it continued to taunt him in one of the worst moment of his life, "is little Adam trying to find the courage to end his miserable life?" All three voices came out in unison with female voice being the loudest among the other two, while still remaining calm in nature.
"Fuck you!" He hadn't forget them, these bastards appear and disappear at random moments, being the embodiment of his darkest psyche imaginable, "leave me alone!" Protesting to himself with tired expression as the voices of three continuously speak to him. It never ends no matter how much he wish to silence them, unable to get rid of them no matter how hard he try.
They laughed, that insane and twisted laughter he can't remove from his mind, "why won't you do it?" Two of the voices replied in unison, "you have tried it before," with a taunting tone, "why not again?" All three voices spoke in one, completely ignoring what Adam had said, "what's stopping you from ending your sad, pitiful and miserable life?"
That wasn't him talking to them, Adam knew that they are not part of him but his own inner demons. They are the manifestation of his sadness and despair; speaking to him through insecurities and fear he had ever felt since he was a child. And he hated that, "go to hell," was the only thing he could say, while at the same time, trying to control his anger and control himself from doing something that will regret later on.
Still, these demons continue to torment him, "so pathetic," taunting him with male voice, "why not just do it, you know you want to. Its a easy way out...for a coward like yourself!" Then it laughed again, this time; louder to the point that he can feel his very own skull vibrating from the action. Adam cover his ears to block them out but that doesn't work as the voices is still there in his mind.
"Sad, weak, pathetic, pitiful and miserable loser you are," all three voices came out together with a mix of female and male voice, "why are you even alive?" That statement struck him in the deepest parts of his heart, filling him with emotions he never felt before, making him remember all the terrible things that had happened to him.
"Shut up! SHUT UP!" Tears stream down once again, feeling so helpless to do anything to silence them, "Just SHUT UP!" Another sound of laughter echoed in his head, they are so irritating to that he just want to tear himself apart from his own body, ending everything right there and then.
Yet, it didn't stop, "you don't deserve to live," two voices replied with a mix of male and female voice, "the sooner you die the better!" They were saying this just to anger him, they are just tormenting him again and Adam is still trying to keep himself and his sanity from going out of control, "but you know what?"
Even though he can't physically see them, Lilim's father could sense their smiles as they spoke once more, "we will be waiting for you, when you finally lose everything and take your last breath," this just infuriated him even more than he is now, "then we shall take what is ours..." Their last fading sentence will be one of the thing that will haunt him for a long time after that.
As these voices finally left, Adam could only smile and laugh with the most painful expression he had once in while as the weeping continued to fall from his eyes; "You think so?" Saying this with arrogant smile on his face, "then you can kiss my ass, I don't care!" Speaking his last words with all the rage he felt at that moment, feeling so helpless and vulnerable, "Just..." the voice begin to lowered down in volume and pain in his voice is present as well.
"...leave me alone..." This is the final words of Adam before silence came upon him as he closed his eyes for the last time, allowing the darkness to engulf him whole.
