An amber light began to flash, casting an eerie sickly orange glow to the already nauseatingly dingy surroundings that was the domain of one Beanz Benny, demon chef of the dark halls and corridors of castle Yuk, headquarters of ‘The Order of The Greasy Spoon Bistro’ Benny raised his greasy bushy eyebrows towards his equally greasy curly locks in mild surprise. Someone had breached his defensive perimeter, had actually dared trespass on his domain and he wasn’t really surprised for he had anticipated this. Any surprise stemmed from the fact that it had taken till now to occur. He felt he knew who it was too. It had to be Eric. He was sensing triumph over an enemy he had held in his hate locker for what seemed like forever. . The same Eric-blessed-Phineas-Kwerk who was the sole reason he had been banished the way he had been all those years ago when the pair of them worked together as Army Cooks. It was this Eric who was responsible for the demise of one of Benny’s family through malpractice at the stove. At least that was Benny’s claim and he was going to reap revenge if it was the last thing he did. He moved his bulky six feet tall body to a wall screen and after adjusting the dials stood back to survey the scene outside his defensive wall.

Elvis and George and Dog sat motionless as they peered through the windscreen at the scene confronting them, Eric was still away with the fairies so he wasn’t at all concerned. Through the slowly swirling mist they could make out what appeared to be a solid structure ahead of them, solid in that it resembles an old castle circa 1700 or so and looking not a day younger, chunks missing giving it all the earmarks of a Ye Olde Worldy Tourist site, complete with the odd raven hovering above it as it keeping watch. Elvis’ mind was beginning to run away with itself so he pulled it back and looked again through cold analytical eyes, this was no time for fanciful thinking but for a cool calculating approach.

‘You never cease to amaze me,’ he said, talking directly to the castle.  

‘I beg yours?’ queried George.  

‘Woof!’ added Dog, not wanting to be left out of anything.

‘The cloud,’ said Elvis, this time turning to George and Dog. ‘’Every time I’ve come across this damn cloud it has thrown surprise after surprise at me, none of which made any sense whatsoever, other than to try and confuse me and trick me. It’s playing with us.’ George looked at Elvis and then at Dog and then at the vision ahead of them. 

‘It’s a castle, a rather dilapidated one at that too, what can this mean?’ She mooted.

‘I’m pretty sure that before too long we shall find out but for the moment I must remain as you are, mystified.’ Offered Elvis. 

‘OOh, have you taken us on a tour of Welsh castles?’  

‘Ah, Eric, you’re awake, are you feeling okay only you hit that cooking sherry a bit hard?’ They were both looking at the bedraggled figure of their young friend who was leaning heavily against the upright in the doorway, not looking all that secure, thought Elvis.

‘Oh I’m fine,’ blurted out a not too convincing sounding Eric, still looking a tiny bit on the wobbly side.  

‘Why do you think we’re in  Wales, wherever that is?’ asked George. 

‘Wherever that is’ protested Eric, now sounding a tad more in control and not managing to hide indignation in his voice and facial expression. 

‘Ok, ok, my friend’ assured Elvis, ‘She didn’t mean anything by that, just that she belongs like the rest of us, somewhere else. Now, what is it about this place that seems familiar to you because obviously something did?’

Eric looked at them both before looking  back to the castle in front of them. 

‘Oh, it’s just that it reminded me of a castle I’ve been to, for a minute anyway. Of course it can’t be ‘cos the surroundings are totally wrong.’

For the first time Elvis and George took a closer look at the surroundings and were immediately struck by their strangeness. The castle was completely surrounded by or rather shrouded in grey mist which was hiding, as far as any of them could tell, precisely nothing and lots of it.

‘Wo-o-of!’

‘What’s up with him?’ asked Elvis.

‘He says he has a nasty feeling about this.’

‘Really?!’ 

‘In his own way, of course’ said George.

‘We’d better proceed with extreme caution’, suggested Elvis. ‘Come on, we’d better go on foot from here and leave Rosy standing guard’ He wasn’t sure why he’d said that but turning to Rosy he patted her bonnet, uttered a few words and both he, George Eric and Dog set off towards the gate house of the castle, or to where the gatehouse would have been had it not been a ruin. As they entered the grounds the atmosphere underwent a subtle change for they had entered what looked like a battle ground, or more precisely a military training obstacle course complete with craters every fifty yards or so. Elvis noticed something very odd about this in that the whole area had the look of something freshly put together and not at all old and used. Even the craters looked freshly dug which was very un-crater-like in his estimation.

‘I don’t like the look of this at all’ said Elvis. 

‘Get no argument from me,’ replied George.

‘Woof-Woof’.

  ‘I suppose he agrees?’

‘He reckons we should stay low, very low,’

‘Really?!’

Before anyone could say anything or even have a thought there came a huge explosion lifting the ground under their feet high in the air and with the ground Elvis, George, Eric and Dog. Eventually the air cleared enough for them to see and what they saw, through the dissipating smoke, was not what they expected at all. Everywhere the eye could see there was no sign of any structure resembling a castle or anything else. Everywhere they looked they could see absolutely nothing. This began to irk Elvis, he was not in the mood for any kind of mind games especially ones that chucked explosives at him. Just off to his left he spotted something that piqued his interest, it was a door.

‘Do you see what I see?’ he said.

‘I see it but I don't believe it’ said a shaken and definitely stirred Eric. 

‘Where there's a door there’s an entrance to somewhere or something,’ Offered George.

‘It’s the ‘something’ bit that worries me,’ Came Elvis’s response. ‘Still, we’ve come this far, wherever this far is and we won’t learn anything standing here discussing the probabilities of a freestanding door in the middle of nowhere. We can clearly see it so let’s go have a look.’ With that the party set off towards the door, impossibly standing unsupported on its own in the middle of wherever this was.   

Beanz Benny was wringing his hands together in delight at the prospect ahead. That meddling waste of space, Eric, was on his way and he had not yet begun to make him sorry for what he did all those years ago.

After examining the door in front of them, from every angle and around, underneath they were all satisfied that they faced little danger as there was nothing to be seen around or beyond the door so it seemed logical to simply open said door and step over the threshold in order to eliminate this object from the equation. Dog however did not seem convinced and was standing back a little from the rest and grumbling to himself which sounded to anyone other than George that he was simply growling. 

‘What is it, boy, what do you sense?’ said George as she stroked his silky coat.

‘Gruff!’ responded Dog.

‘He senses great danger.’ she said to the others, then turning back to Dog she patted him on the head gently saying, ‘Good boy.’ Both Elvis and Eric looked on in amazement at George and Dog.

‘We’ve all seen that there’s nothing on either side of this door so what danger can there be other than great disappointment at finding exactly that, nothing.’ Elvis placed his hand on the door knob and turned it, slowly, dramatically, mocking George and Dog, something he would come to regret and vow never to repeat. He pushed open the door slowly, took a peek through it and immediately slammed the door shut in the blink of an eye. He stood rock still, eyes wide open in shocked surprise, the others looking at each other not knowing what to make of this. After all, they had all examined this portal and found nothing anywhere around it. Then, with a twinkle in his eye he laughed and said, ‘Had you there, didn’t I?’

The temperature dropped dramatically to zero, nothing to do with climate but the look he received from his companions. Dog growled a little louder and Elvis knew he’d pushed his luck and really didn’t know why he pulled this stunt in the first place, it wasn’t like him at all. Holding his hands up in front of his face in a surrendering manner, he uttered a quick garbled apology and turned back to the door, hoping Dog was the forgiving kind, he had his doubts about that. One by one they passed through the door, Dog still holding back half a pace behind and still chuntering to himself as he looked this way and that, his penetrating eyes scanning continuously. The mist was getting thicker until they could just barely make out each other’s silhouette. They came to standstill just thirty yards in, each listening for any sound that could give them an indication as to their whereabouts, they had no visual references  whatsoever and a real sense of being trapped and in peril was shared by all with the exception of Dog who had decided to keep moving, this time very slowly, he was in stalking mode and had got the scent of something he wanted to investigate. A deep but muted growl rumbling in his throat, he sensed an event and he was rarely if ever wrong about these things. By this time George too had taken up an aggressive defensive stance, ready for action for she too had picked up something through her affinity with Dog and she knew not to ignore Dog when he was in this mood. 

‘Duh hear anything, George?’ asked Elvis.

‘Not so much here but sense’ she replied, her eyes  scanning around trying to penetrate the mist which had taken on another dimension in that it was now more of a form than a mist that could be felt as well as seen.

‘Have we seen enough?’ queried Eric, trying to hide any hint of concern in his voice, glad that no one could actually see that he wasn’t scared as much as terrified.

‘We haven’t seen anything yet, my young friend,'' said Elvis, also trying to hide any sign of nervousness himself  so as to encourage his young companion.

‘Yeah, well that suits me fine now can we head back.’ Eric was not encouraged.

‘Elvis my lad you’re not thinking straight.’ He said to himself not realising he said it aloud, looking down at his watch Elvis spoke quietly into his digital timepiece. ‘Rosie, we need you, use silent mode and be as quick as you can.’

As he looked up from his watch he felt a cold metallic nudge in the lower back leg. 

‘I got your message Skipper.’

Again he had to admit to being completely surprised by his own creation at the speed in which she executed his request. ‘What kept you?’, is all he could think of by way of welcome.

‘My sensors picked up a disturbance in the farce.’

‘Rosie, this is no time to be sarky.’ 

‘Seriously Skipper, I did pick up something nasty that you were heading straight for so I thought I’d better come.’

There it was again, she thought ahead of the event? He was both relieved that she had shown this initiative while at the same time more disturbed by it than he cared to consider. What had happened to her back there, whenever it was. Now he was wandering, best get back to the matter in hand. Without further delay he signalled the others to climb aboard as they were not going any further on foot. ‘Now we’re all settled in, wait a minute, where was Dog?’ He was not there.

‘I shouldn’t worry yourself too much about him, ‘E’, he’s very loyal to me, but he is a Dog with a dog mind all his own and if he decides to wander off at some point then he does. You can trust me when I say that when he’s needed he’ll be there.’ After saying this George settled back in her seat and peered straight ahead.

With the stealth of the hunter, he moved closer to the edge of the ridge upon which he stood, his dark penetrating eyes peering down into the depression in the ground where they were gathering, preparing to do battle, it seemed and they were on high alert. There would be no surprises here, he thought to himself. Before him stood line upon line of eight feet tall giant leeks, fully armed and ready to rumble. ‘Tricky.’ thought Dog. He turned around and as quietly as he had arrived he disappeared back into the swirling mist.

‘Stop the car,’ snapped George suddenly, ‘I’m getting something.’

‘Hope it’s not bloody catching’ , voiced a nervous Eric.

‘What is it?’, demanded Elvis, a little impatiently. 

‘Dog.’ replied George.

‘Dog!’ exclaimed Elvis, looking wildly around him. ‘He’s not here, can you see him, what's going on here?’ He was rattled and he had to admit it, his cool calculating super detective persona was beginning to crumple, or at least that is what it felt like and he was really worried because for too long now he had definitely not been in control of anything and that was unheard of for Elvis P. Kwerk. He felt he was becoming or had become the victim here which was not right, not right at all. He no longer felt like the self-assured confident super sleuth and he didn’t like the feeling, it was alien to him, or was it? He wasn’t even sure of that now.

‘Look, up ahead’ shouted an excited Eric.

Standing right in the middle of what served as a road, head high, nose sniffing and emitting a low growl, Dog. he seemed to appear larger somehow but this couldn't be, just a trick of the light or lack of light due to the ever present mist.

‘Aah,’ sighed a strangely contented Eric. This was enough to draw the attention of the others. He was sitting on the floor, in the hatchway to another compartment, wearing a hideous grin accompanied by a faraway look in his eyes and clutching, yep, a bottle. ‘You old rogue you,’ he said to Elvis, ‘All those stories about you are true, aren’t they, I mean, this is good stuff here,’ he said waving the bottle around in front of him.

‘He’s out of it,’ suggested George.

‘My best ‘Johnny Walker Red’ Said Elvis. He was not happy.

Within the minute Dog was in the car and nuzzling and chuntering away with George until the latter turned to the others and said, ‘Right, are you guys ready for this?’ Over the following minutes she reported back to them what Dog has seen in every detail. When she had finished there was a brief silence before Rosie’s voice was heard.

‘Affirmative, Skipper. That is precisely what my sensors detected. Furthermore, they are not prepared for any negotiation, only aggression’

Both George and Dog looked at Rosie’s console and together nodded in approval and admiration. ‘Very impressive, Elvis, your Rosie is good.’

A slightly bemused Elvis could only nod in agreement for she was a truly remarkable machine. She was a machine he asked himself, no longer sure about anything except perhaps his own  name which was er, oh yes, E. P. Kwerk. Come on Elvis, pull yourself together and form a plan. 

George broke into his thoughts, ‘It would appear that these er, leeks, are not about to be surprised by any sudden action on our part so what do you suggest’

‘Yes, you are right on that score, a surprise attack is not an option.’

‘But Dog has an idea,’ she continued.

Elvis decided there and then that he would not be surprised by anything again, the dog had an idea, right, okay, why not, I have only my sanity to lose now or is that in the right tense. Had it not gone some time ago.

‘Elvis, are you alright’

‘Sorry George, I was just mulling over our options,’ he lied. ‘So, what is this idea of Dog’s’ 

Slowly and deliberately George explained what Dog had suggested, Elvis and Eric listened. Well Eric seemed to be listening but then he was struggling with staying in the same universe as the rest thanks to Elvis’s JWR of which he was already on his second bottle. Elvis couldn’t help but notice how his best research material was disappearing before his eyes.

‘What do you think?’ asked George when she had finished outlining the plan.

Snapping out of his mind-wander he heard himself saying, ‘Sounds completely off the wall, utterly improbable and daft enough to work.’ In fact these were the very conditions he actually thrived upon and was beginning to get the taste for battle. ‘Better get ourselves in position then,’ he said to everyone in general.

Beanz Benny was wringing his hands in delight as he gazed at the screen on the wall and though he couldn’t see much of anything due to mist he was nevertheless gloating over the triumph he was about to accomplish through his ‘untouchables’ as he liked to call them. ‘Oo come on, let’s be ‘aving yuh,’ he said to no one but his pet Rottweiler Cabbage. He was confident that his ‘untouchables’, his army of giant leeks were about to make his wish come true by annihilating his arch enemy Eric precious Kwerk and his mates. They were about to experience the ultimate Beanz Benny cu-de-gras, Beanz with everything!’ For a brief moment the mist appeared to clear and Beanz Benny felt a shudder run from north to south as the screen showed nothing when it should have shown his enemies. He rubbed his eyes and looked again but the mist had returned so maybe it had only been an illusion, his mind playing tricks on him. Then he heard a terrifying roar followed by cacophony of noses, mixed quasi screams because they were not actually screams but neither were they cheers, they were the sounds of great trauma and suffering. Benny grinned an evil sneery grin, battle had commenced and the screams of his adversary could be heard loud and chillingly clear, he began to wring his hands again in gleeful anticipation.

Rosie was stationed on the ridge overlooking the plain on which were the giant and very aggressive looking leeks armed to the, er, they were heavily armed. Dog had gone off to position himself and Elvis, George and Eric, well actually it was Elvis and George, Eric was sound asleep in Rosie’s kitchen, clutching an empty JWR bottle. All was set, everyone at the ready, nerve ends taut waiting for the moment when they would spring their surprisingly surprise attack.

The leeks were showing signs of nervousness, something was spooking them, something they couldn’t see was clearly upsetting them and they were getting fidgety in their lines. Everything happened in a flash from that moment on. A giant shadow suddenly overshadowed the ranks and file of battle leeks, almost as if night had overtaken the day, the leeks were shaking with fear, a new experience for these elite warriors of Benny’s, They all turned in one well drilled movement to see behind them the looming shadow of what looked like an enormous mountain, no, a hound from hell, eyes aflame, nostrils flared, fangs bared, drops of saliva dripping from its mouth, burning the ground where they fell. This fiendish shape was blocking out any daylight and the leeks were clearly not happy with this situation. This was not at all what they expected. Neither was the next occurrence when with an almighty roar, yellow/orange flames shot forth from Rosie’s sidelight apertures, searing flame incinerating everything in its path. Within a few short minutes all that was left on the battle plain was a mass of ‘leek flambe’, done to a crisp. Then, after a second, all the ammunition of the leek warriors exploded, clearing the plain of any trace of overdone veg. Elvis, George, joined by Dog wasted no time and were soon back in their seats in Rosie and moving forward. After a minute or two of thoughtful silence Elvis couldn’t resist, he had to know.

‘Did I see right back there, I mean, how does he do it, whatever it is he does, if he does do anything other than create optical illusions’  

‘Oh that was no optical illusion you saw. Dog certainly has his talents but none of them are tricks, I can assure you and as to how he does it, well, ask him' George smiled and looked at Dog who was busying himself with his favourite possession, his ball. Dog looked up from his ball, looked at George and then at Elvis and then back to his ball and Elvis could swear he heard the hound chuckling, only canines don’t, do they?  

The mist was persistent and if anything thickening by the minute, Rosie had her penetrative lights cutting a swathe through the mirk but her sensors provided a more detailed picture and so they could motor on apace, still with caution of course. They had travelled for five minutes when her voice was heard.

‘INCOMING!’

There was barely enough time to put Rosie’s protective shields up when there was a series of explosions that rocked the vehicle so much it woke Eric up from his  JWR induced sleep. ‘What the hell was that!’, he screamed.

‘Some sort of scatter weapon, me thinks.’ Said George, thoughtfully. ‘The explosions occurred in a definite pattern, spread in a wide area. I think we’ve got this, whoever, rattled somewhat.’ It was then that they heard the rumble ahead, a slow continuous sort of squelchy rumbling like a mudslide crunching stones along its path.

‘Look there, will you!’ Exclaimed Eric. ‘It’s ‘im, Benny, Beanz Benny on top of whatever that is he’s on top of!’

Eric was not wrong for ahead and coming at them at a steady pace was Beanz Benny, standing in a dramatic pose in what looked very much like a huge gravy boat. Riding along on a massive mountain of baked beans, hot and steaming and bubbling malevolently. Benny stood feet apart, straight backed, arm outstretched, holding an evil looking 50 calbre metal ladle waving it in a menacing manner whilst  screaming like a possessed demented being. The words of what he was screaming was lost in the now roaring sound the beans had taken on. These were no ordinary baked beans, these were not even M&S baked beans but  ‘A Beanz Benny Massive  Assault Beans’, a huge Beanzberg gliding along the terrain like an anvil doesn’t. (*Thanks to D. Adams for that as well as an apology)

Elvis was swift to act, slamming Rosie into reverse and hurtling backwards away from the sticky, steaming mass that was threatening their further progress, not to mention their digestion, oh, I mentioned it, no matter. With pedal hard to metal they were soon clear of any present danger, in fact they were clear of anything, anywhere for that matter for they found themselves precisely there, nowhere?! Somehow they had been transported to a void, a large space of sod all.

After a moment or two of silence only disturbed by heavy breathing, Elvis broke the silence, ‘Rosie, what the hell?!’ He said in a sharp tone.

‘I beg yours?’ This was Rosie’s response, matching her creator’s tone.

‘Rosie?’ replied a surprised Elvis. His creation was not responding in the expected manner, quite the reverse, she was responding in the indignant way of a wronged female.

‘Oh boy,’ thought Elvis.’

‘I think an apology is called for, Elvis’ interjected George.

‘Wooff!’

‘There, Dog agrees.’

‘Whoa, what gives here?’

‘You clearly upset Rosie and we all agree you should apologise to her before we go any further, don’t you agree, Eric, of course you do.’ George was grinning as she uttered these words, Eric was sitting wide eyed, yet clearly seeing nothing, on the floor where he landed when they went into reverse.

‘What did I say?’

‘It’s not what but how you said what you said. In fact it matters not what you actually said but the manner in which you spoke to her that was uncalled for.’

‘Wooff!’

Elvis looked at Dog and thought better of mean eyeing him and with a sigh turned his attention back to Rosie who had been loudly silent all this time. ‘I am truly sorry, Rosie, if I spoke harshly to you.’ Even having said this he still couldn’t help feeling being put upon, ganged up on even.

There was a pregnant silence before Rosie eventually spoke again. ‘We appear to have time travelled to another dimension, Skipper, yet my location sensors register little or no change.’

‘Ah!’