Many would say that loneliness is an imaginary concept. There are countless forms of companionship or solace out there in the world, but what most fail to realize is that all these people are simply empty shells devoid of true feelings or meaning in life. They can fill them up all they want with hopes and dreams, but at the end of the day, they'll all eventually fall apart.
It was a dreary morning when Janus found himself in this situation again as he lay on the surface of a cloudy abyss. Slight comfort can be found in this new morning, but yet a lingering sadness fills the air. The reason for this sorrow was obvious to him, because he didn't want to think about what might've happened last night if he had gone too far.
Looking further ahead of him, where more white puffy clouds are present, he once thought that his loneliness would dissipate at some point after linking strong bonds with people around him, starting with the speaking cat and then her.
"Love or to love," he whispered gently while the strong winds brushed past him, causing his coat or robe to flutter upwards in unison. There was something about this morning that felt different today, even though it looked no different from usual. "Am I truly in love? Do I genuinely care about her and those other people that surround me? Is there anything worth living for besides my own desires and curiosity?"
Pushing himself to sit upright, his melancholic expression shifted to pure heartache of unknown meaning or understanding about himself and the silly feelings he has. Yet it was still hurting him all the same as he kept asking questions about his relationship with those with whom he had established friendship.
Moreover, could he love her even if she and he are completely different from one another in every conceivable aspect? Would she return those feelings if she knew how he truly feels for her, or would she simply laugh him off in her own cute little way before walking away from him?
He doubts she would do the latter; the young woman is compassionate enough to avoid hurting people's feelings in such demeaning ways, but still, the Roman God of Time can't fathom how it is possible to be compatible with a lesser form who is beneath him in every single way.
Trying to find answers to his own personal question, he can only wonder: Why would fate play such a trick on him? Why did he become so involved with her, whose mind and spirit are already preoccupied by something else? Furthermore, why is it that every time they get close to each other, his own heart beats faster and faster until it can barely contain its excitement at telling her how he feels?
Clenching where his heart is with both hands, he cursed himself for trying to even associate with lesser beings like her; Janus should've known better than to meddle with affairs; he just couldn't stay away from such a fascinating person whom he's seen nothing but undivided attention.
He hated it—he hated it so much that there wasn't any point in discussing himself with these humans. However, no matter how much he wants or tries to return to his brooding nature as a cold or selfish God, it still doesn't take away the growing feelings inside of him.
"Is this...my humanity?" Janus asked, casting a sideways glance at the expanse of clouds below, his brows furrowed and his eyes narrowing with annoyance, "Is it really coming from within? Or is it all a lie to fool myself into thinking I have one to begin with?" Many possibilities had occurred to the Roman God of beginnings and endings, but none seemed likely to explain this strange phenomenon.
Out of all the things he has seen across realities themselves, none can make him feel something more intense than getting to know humans firsthand that he met and conversed with in times of need. Even with all that happening, he could understand the concept of love for himself.
The very notion that such an abstract concept existed somewhere deep inside of him. He didn't have to experience it firsthand in order to understand what it meant, because the memories of those he encountered throughout his journey so far had left an indelible impression on his companions.
When he met that cat, Janus didn't give much thought to bonding with him, despite having saved him multiple times. But after a while of traveling together, he just couldn't help but grow some consideration for Schrodinger's well-being.
To the point of questioning himself if he should be capable of having to feel this way when he has believed and thought to be incapable of associating himself with these lesser forms that should have prostrated themselves to a higher being.
Through all of life, he had witnessed Romans worshiping and loving him because he was their god, and deities are supposed to be unwavering figures of power and authority. They are meant to be distant and untouchable, yet Janus can see flaws of every kind.
Humans are flawed, and gods are too, even though they operate vastly differently in dealing with problems. But he never felt that deep level of love was one of those things gods couldn't feel or express in some manner just to relate with man, especially when they exist outside of time, space, or causality.
Gods may have some similar morals and feelings to mankind, but they are completely alien to how the human mind would interpret them. Thus, Janus saw no reason for a god not to fall in love, be afraid of the dark, or be lonely, because neither should be compatible.
That is what he thought when he remembered many of these gods marrying or even growing friendships with some mortals. And that alone got him thinking if it was possible to relate to someone he had grown affectionately off of.
He slowly stood up, raising his head high with a contemplative expression plastered all over it. His thoughts became clearer before he looked down to see his open palms. "I can...love," realization came over him bit by bit. "Love..." Blue tears rolled down the Roman God of beginnings and endings cheek.
Such an idea struck him so hard that he started to sob uncontrollably, falling down onto his knees while holding both hands to cover his face, as his chest tightened as he began crying out loud in relief. Tears streamed down his face while he felt himself shaking uncontrollably. His throat ached and dried while he tried to compose himself.
Emotions returned to him in one fell swoop, flooding into every inch of his being as if a dam had broken. His shoulders trembled violently before looking up again, letting out an audible gasp between sobs from this newfound freedom to feel things that he hadn't experienced since that day.
The sweet voice sang softly from his mind: "freedom to live and love." Vesta smiled happily at the sight. "This is one of the many things we are gifted from the moment we were born into this world." The goddess chuckled kindly towards Janus, who was struggling to come to terms with himself.
Wiping his tears with a sleeve, "It's not right," he protested despite how much he deeply wants to, "I'm not supposed to." Just when he thought he could have his pride protected from submitting himself to human notions, Portunus interjected by scoffing out loudly in a sarcastic tone.
"You can express love, anger, confusion, hope, and many other human qualities that you were born into, yet choose to deny them. You keep denying yourself so much that it drives you to the edge of believing it to be true." Portunus responded with blunt sarcasm, rolling his eyes. "Janus, the concept of humanity isn't what makes us inferior or superior in the first place."
Raising his brow, Janus turned his attention towards Portunus, holding a deep disbelief as he heard what he thought was nonsense coming out of his mouth: "Are you telling me that this 'humanity' is what I've been missing out on?"
Giving a tired sigh, Portunus looked upon him as if he were some ignorant child before finally speaking up, "You misunderstand my point," then proceeded to explain himself better with a slight frustration creeping into his own voice, "having humanity isn't what you truly lack but rather your own emotions that you have bottled up for so long until you're no longer capable of processing them, leaving nothing but a hollow shell of a person that's nothing more than an empty shell," reasoning towards the confused god while adding a few final remarks.
"In my own take, the human element is what defines our experience as individuals."
Janus blinked twice as he tried to make sense of what was said: "experience...individuals?" Standing up again, he begins to fly away from his position to see the world itself, where a magnificent landscape of plains lies for miles ahead while countless settlements can be spotted on the horizon.
Floating high above the air, Janus felt a sense of peace. "What defines humanity from your point of view?" I asked him for reassurance on this new outlook Janus was gaining from today, causing the Roman God to be as curious as a little kitten awaiting such a question.
"For all I know, it's the experiences we gather that shape our opinions and ideas. It's also what makes us different from one another with individuality," he answered bluntly, shrugging in an apathetic manner. "However, what truly clarifies the definition of having humanity is being humane to others and themselves." This immediately caught the host's attention.
"Humane?" Janus doesn't clearly understand what this term means despite being knowledgeable of everything: "I know many things, but I still truly can't grasp the meaning behind them in human level," admitting his own flaw for a while, "it confuses and frustrates me to no end," scratching his left cheek in frustration.
Portunus sympathetically watched as Janus struggled to come to terms with this new understanding, expressing at the sight that he began to speak up, "By being humane, you show compassion and consideration to others, not just your own kind," exclaiming a bit of passion from this topic, "being humble in nature and compassionate, one is to treat all beings equally and respectfully, regardless of race, gender, or status," then concluded with a proud tone of voice.
Janus did not respond but listened closely to every word coming out of Portunus's mouth. A warm feeling burned within his heart from every syllable being said: "And what would that make me?" He asked, hoping to hear more.
Vesta then stepped into the scene, explaining further what they were discussing: "person," she said mirthfully, "some humans lack the important element of having humanity, having all the arrogance in the world yet still failing to realize that they aren't better than everyone else." She then continued by remarking, "But you are more human than these selected people."
This caused him to widen his eyes, almost to the point of finally understanding what it means to be human: "Your saying I...am more metaphorically human than some?" The god couldn't believe what was said. Janus had assumed for all of this time that he was lacking in humanity because of his nature.
But that was a misconception of his own belief, as it wasn't only emotions that showed one has humanity but also being considerate to others. "I don't know what to say," he uttered in a bewildered voice. To him, such an idea seemed ridiculous and unbelievable to his own understanding, but not anymore; now Janus has finally grasped the very thing that has eluded him for so long.
Not only can he genuinely feel these emotions, but he also had displayed the actions just to show his capability in having the very concept of humanity. "I get it now," a bright smile began to appear from the corner of his lips while a warm sensation slowly coursing throughout his entire body. Janus was experiencing for the very first time what he had missed: the joy of knowing he was able to relate to other beings and not just be isolated in his own personal world.
"I'm just as human as they are."
