Waking up in the woods was probably the worst experience of Brina's entire life.

First, she was sweaty, cold, and itchy. Second, she didn't remember where she was and could only see that it was dark, and third, she couldn't move that well, so when she started trying and found herself restricted, she panicked and couldn't find her way out until she accidentally knocked the leaves away from her emergency exit and got some light.

And remembered where she was.

Brina stopped panicking and instead collapsed into the piled leaves to cry. It felt like she couldn't breathe before she could stop, and she still didn't want to move.

Until the burning in her mouth got too bad to ignore. She needed water. She even knew how to get it, from dew on the leaves.

Outside was gray dawn, not even pretending to be morning, really, and Brina wondered how safe it was.

The question was answered when a big black and white wolf padded into view, followed by two gray ones and a really big brown one. Really really big, it was twice as big as the others--and their smallest was bigger than Brina.

Brina held her breath as they approached her hiding place from the front crook of the tree. One sniffed aggressively and pawed at her clawed, leaved branch playing door, but the big one moved away so Brina couldn't see it anymore.

Another one pawed closer to her exit, and Brina covered her mouth with her hands to stop the noises from getting out. The pawing stopped and one of the wolves groaned. Another groaned back and then the first, the big one, groaned again. The first one huffed as if annoyed and they sauntered out of sight and then out of earshot.

Slowly, Brina pushed at the smaller opening, waiting to see if anything tried to attack through it. Nothing. So she scooted slowly into the freezing autumn morning, getting her face slapped with the cold before she could even get her torso free. Her breath steamed and Brina realized with horror that her magic wasn't the hot-cold stuff like yesterday, and she was ungrateful to it yesterday.

She ducked back into her hidey hole and stuffed the cracks and burrowed into her warm spot in the leaves. She did still need water, but she would wait 'til it was at least a little more light outside.

She wanted to scream again. She wished her magic was a person so she could kick it in the teeth, right now. 

She couldn't be like that, she needed her magic.

So what attunements?

She couldn't tell. She usually couldn't until something caught her eyes or smelled funny.

She tried to summon the spell ball and was disappointed to find her magic just as asleep as yesterday, and she gave up.

Maybe she should try to get back to the river?

She wandered far enough, she was just making herself harder to track.

And she was still gonna do it again to get water, so she might as well pick a good spot to do both.

Brina groaned at herself. She didn't want to wait. 

Maybe she could get her family's attention with some lights? Those were easy to do, she could make lights…

If she could get the magic up.

Okay. So when the sun comes out, I'll find a spot to get dewy leaves and a spot to shoot the lights up or something and they'll have a good clue to start here.

Simple.

Brina had a moment to breathe, and she remembered, distantly, "I'm Brinarini, and I'm magic, and I'm loved, and I'm fast, and I'm strong, and I'm tough, and I'm good."

Damn right.

She was magic, even if her magic was being stubborn right now.

So was she, though. Moping, Daemon said, because her magic didn't jump when she told it to, like it always had. Even when wanting it to was a secret to her. 

Brina groaned aloud and put her hands over her face. She didn't want him to be right, she wanted her magic to start working on its own.  

She knew that wasn't how it worked, but it felt like it should have. It always felt like her magic was doing whatever it wanted before. 

Well, it was still doing whatever it wanted. What it wanted was to nap. 

Normally, it was active as she was and it was hard to make stop. Her accidental castings got worse before they got better, but with Daemon's help, she could pull it in and circulate it around her body, keeping it inside and getting it used to being there, instead of jumping as soon as it thought about coming out.

Normally, she wouldn't have this problem. 

Dammit.

His first lessons were on her mindscape and how to get into it. She liked the process, and he said that she wouldn't need to do it all the time, once she got older, but for now it was best to start and end each practice session with the step-by-steps, literally, into and out of her room.

The stairs were wooden and rough and Brina made them to copy the wood steps she saw at the riverside to the docks and gondolas. The handrail she added was metal and flat, and Brina could make herself feel the cold on her hands. 

Brina walked herself into her room and sat on her bed, looking at the empty (or at least magicless) room. 

Daemon helped her make it and find it and put it together and stay in it. Even Aunt Eupa said thank you, in her ways. They were all grateful to Daemon and his help.

The earliest lessons were just her learning to move the magic around her body on purpose, with the next ones being to put the magic outside her body.

The first tries were sprays of sparks that Brina couldn't control, but they stopped immediately after she 'told' them to. Daemon told her that she passed the lesson, but he wanted her to do it again when she could.

Brina heard that people could make themselves tired by channeling magic, but Brina didn't understand until she tried to finetune the amount of hers coming out. Daemon told her that she was already producing more than most sorcerers would ever touch, so it was naturally exhausting to try and control it. 

He explained it like bowls of water. Most people only had droplets, if they had any at all. Some people had water at the bottom of their bowl, and if they swirl it around right, they can fling the water out. And she was a full bowl– her hard part was not flinging the water out.

When she asked what his bowl thing was, he said that he had a lid on his, and he didn't explain further.

The sprays were easy, once she stopped being scared of them, and she practiced making them narrower and then to wait until it was well out of her hand to get bright, and then she learned how to keep it there. It took ages, but Daemon was so pleased with her that his tail curled up at the end and wagged back and forth all day when it went well.

Her first Orb made her take a nap. A real one, too, she didn't wake up 'til after dinner and she was so hungry that she got a third plate of the meat before the fruit pie dessert.

And now it wouldn't even act like it was going to move around inside. 

The meditation wasn't working. She was only sitting in her room in her head, which was buried in leaves in the strange forest. The magic was still in its toybox and holding it shut. 

She gave up.

She was tired already, even though she hadn't moved much, aside from her panic earlier. That was probably why, though. She was lucky the wolves didn't find her then. 

Now that the sky was warmer yellow, easing into blue, Brina edged out of the log slowly and carefully, emerging into the frosted forest to sit on her feet. She felt smaller and more alone than she'd ever felt in her life. Without her family, she felt like the entire planet was going to come after her, even the trees. 

"I'm Brinarini, and I'm magic, and I'm loved, and I'm fast, and I'm strong, and I'm tough, and I'm good," she mumbled to herself. "And I'm tired."

She hauled herself to her aching feet on weak legs, and she staggered toward the only leafy tree she could see from here. 

Dew was not easy to drink, but as thirsty as she was, even the droplets, little at a time, cooled her mouth and eased the sticking, and when the trouble was more than its worth, she stopped to weep.

Weeping wasn't nearly as helpful today as yesterday. Nothing felt better, nothing was relieved, she wasn't letting go. She was just whining, Ro-Ro would say. Making noise of sad. Which Aunt Eupa said was perfectly okay and Ro-Ro could go eff herself.

Aunt Eupa cussed a lot, Brina remembered fondly.

She tried to decide if returning to the log was a better idea than staying here or actually trying to get home. She knew she was supposed to wait, but waiting felt like it was going to kill her more than trying to find the river or her family.

Aunt Eupa was gonna cuss Brina a lot, she remembered with less joy.

It's okay. I'm gonna–

The flash of gray and white fur barely caught the corner of her eye, but the brown and black motions behind it startled Brina into running away, not able to think anymore. 

The forest flashed by, trees and crashing leaves, and everything about her was fearful of gnashing teeth and determined to get away. Wind roared in ears, feet and heart pounded, Brina hardly remembered she was a person.

Until she stopped, too tired to keep going, and she staggered to a foot-dragging shamble. She knew better than to think she really got away. Ro-Ro was always right, she was never gonna outrun a wolf, and trying to was just going to make it want to chase you just to sniff, no matter what happened to your leg in the meantime.

The wolves weren't chasing her, and if they were, it was only so they could pick her up and eat her after she died on her own. It wouldn't even be a long wait.

Brina was lost again. Loster than before. Not that she could get much loster than before, or at least that's what she thought. Now she couldn't find the log again, and she had to start over with her shelter search, or continue to look for the river in hopes that she would find her family. 

Brina moaned softly, and noticed, for the first time, that her bright orange voice was visible. Or the sound was, anyway, floating in front of her face. She had sound magic, today.

Well. Maybe it would help shout?

Only it already didn't, so Brina was left dejected and annoyed with what other people called cosmic power. When it wasn't trying to explode, it was napping. 

Fine, Brina sighed. I'll meditate again. 

She learned to meditate while walking a long time ago, but she would hold Daemon's tail and he would guide the way to their practice clearing, rather than Brina wandering through a forest not her own.She needed to find another shelter spot.

She needed to just find another shelter spot.

Only they were hard to see. She only found that one by accident and then by backtracking. She did the thing where she lost her own tracks again and she could have kicked herself realizing she made the exact same mistake twice.

She sniffled and held it in, too tired to cry.

She needed to meditate.

She needed to stop. And find the river. And meditate. And she was hungry and thirsty again.

Brina whimpered to herself and shivered violently, teeth suddenly chattering as the warmth from the run faded. The pain from her feet started over, and her hands ached from the cold. 

The picture in her head of her cold and gray body on the ground being sniffed by wolves wouldn't go away.

Brina's legs dropped her to the forest floor. She didn't even know why, she just couldn't keep going anymore. It all hurt and she was scared and it felt so hopeless! 

You can rest. It's okay.

She found herself rocking back and forth when she remembered Daddy's voice, soft and comforting.

Ro-Ro interrupted him. This is a horrible place to rest. Find somewhere warm. Then rest. 

Aunt Eupa's chimed in with, Come on, Brinarini. Who are you?

I'm Brinarini and I'm magic and I'm loved and I'm fast and I'm strong and I'm tough and I'm good. 

Damn right.

Brina dragged herself to her feet and snuffed the last of her tears on her arm. She trudged forth on feet that she hoped would go numb, soon. She could do this.

Daylight didn't warm much, but Brina was encouraged by the sunlight filtering through the trees, brightening the previous gloom and dancing on her bare arms. The birds were few this time of year, but redbirds flit through the trees and sang cheerfully, and Brina's breath stopped steaming.

The hiss of the river roar appeared as a white fog, much as the cold winds did, yesterday, so Brina knew what she was looking for, but she wasn't sure how sharp it would be. Sometimes it was like stepping through a door, first she can't see it and now she can see all of it, even stuff behind her, until she stepped back out. Other times, it was more like a smell from something getting closer– growing from nothing so gradually you hardly notice its arrival.

A bright green snap and low brown rustling noises rippled into her vision along the ground, and Brina turned to see the brown wolf. It froze when it saw her looking, then tucked its head down and its ears back sheepishly.

She didn't run this time, knowing better, and she knew that the way it stood was not an attack, even a little. The wolf looked embarrassed, like it was caught doing something it wasn't supposed to. 

She remembered to breathe after a few moments, and the wolf stayed perfectly still, watching her with golden eyes.

She figured it couldn't hurt. "If you pretend you didn't see me, I'll pretend I didn't see you, okay?"

She got that from Aunt Eupa on more than a couple of occasions, and Ro-Ro, when she got caught sneaking while they were also sneaking. 

The wolf, upon being addressed, didn't move at first, or at least Brina thought it wasn't. Apparently, it was trying to simultaneously not move and get away, and was therefore twitchily edging its paws backwards, which was clear when it missed its footing and had to look to put down its back paw. 

Brina backed away carefully, taking her cue from the wolf and edging her feet slow and careful, until they were both out of each others' sights, and Brina ran away. She was too loud in the fallen leaves to hear anything behind her, and she couldn't do anything about any of it, so she just kept running.

Being out of breath and out of energy was a little better for trying to keep track of where she was– Brina didn't interrupt her tracks by running into trees this time. She briefly worried about the wolves tracking her better, but they could smell her–no amount of hiding footprints would help.

She was warmer, she guessed. Her hands didn't hurt as bad, but her feet hurt worse than before. 

She was also pretty sure the wolf actually sort of directed her at the river, even if it was an accident, because she could definitely hear it now. She turned toward the sound.

She would meditate and get her magic up at the river, so she could throw sparks into the air and show them where she was. That was the plan, Brina decided, and she stomped on.

She forgot that the flood made the river louder, and she didn't realize that 'louder this way' was so hard to tell without a hint to get going.  

She was getting there.

She had to theory, or whatever it was, remember how to do the thing Daemon said to do without ever practicing it herself. Or even thinking about it, sometimes, her magic was excitable and would get jumpy without her. 

Growing your magic was easy and hard, he explained. You had to squeeze it until it tried to fight back and then let it get big, and then squeeze it again. He used big words to explain it, but then made it easier to explain– like how Brina, if someone tried to hold her down, would fight back until she was released and would then run away and be harder to contain. As that literally happened several times while wrestling with Daddy the day before, Brina had a good image of what was going on. 

Brina was distracted and couldn't dedicate her attention to her room if she tried to meditate while walking. She needed to focus, and she knew that. She honestly felt like her magic would get scared if she showed up at all, and would escape if she wasn't paying enough attention.

So she waited.

"I'm Brinarini and I'm magic and I'm loved and I'm fast and I'm strong and I'm tough and I'm good."

Damn right.

Aunt Eupa, why do you always say that?

So when it sounds like crap, you'll have me there to throw in that I believe it, too. Cos you are. 

Brina remembered that one, too. She hugged her body and tried not to cry.

Daemon was just trying to help yesterday and she still ran away from him. She'd be mad, too, he told her in secret that his magic was the exact opposite of hers, and that his just did that, always hiding and lying down and being impossible to work with.  He said that was part of why he got the grafts he did, to help use it right, after an accident went well. (As 'well' as an accident can go when it leaves you with burns like that, even if most of them were patched up. He didn't tell her the whole story, but he did tell her that if Ferrin ever invited her to summon demons, she should tell him no.)

Brina remembered her family arguing when Daemon showed up, but Ro-Ro said he was safe and they left it at that. It was a long time ago, now, or it felt that way. Almost two years? Brina was nine, they found him the autumn after she turned seven… 

She met him in the woods but he didn't explain why. Her family asked later and they told him he could stay after that, so Brina guessed it wasn't that bad. He still wouldn't tell her.

Daddy and Aunt Eupa fought after they talked about why he was there. Not about keeping Daemon, but apparently Aunt Eupa did something that involved Daemon sideways and that was why he was there. Brina tried to guess more, but they got real quiet on the matter, even Daemon, who was normally more forthcoming and clear.

But she got a magic teacher.

That she ran away from 'cos she didn't like the lesson.

And she was still having to do the lesson, that was the part that really made her mad. She told him she would never have this problem, and wanted to learn something else. And he dragged her through the lesson and made her do a whole speech thing about how to do it.

Brina couldn't decide if the bitter taste in the back of her mouth was attached to the gratitude or if it was something separate and just happened at the same time.

Ugh.

But that's okay. I'll get there, she determined. And then I'll throw sparks and Daemon will see I learned that lesson and Aunt Eupa will see I learned about the river and Daddy will see I can get back home if I get lost and Ro-Ro will see I won't die alone in the woods.

She stamped out every doubt in her mind, but their silent corpses remained on display.